Thursday, July 8, 2010

We are all suckers

Changing jobs can be an exciting and worrisome time in one's life. But is anyone so important that they need to hand in their two-week notice on national television? Apparently, LeBron James and ESPN think so.

So since the four-letter network plans to air this insane spectacle of LeBron choosing his new basketball team, I thought it would be just as ridiculous to Live Blog the event. Do I really care about LeBron James and/or the NBA? Not a chance. But this opportunity to blog was just too stupid to pass up. See yinz at 9 p.m. sharp.

8:59 p.m. -- Anticipation is swelling on the four-letter network with most rumors pointing to Miami. That means it CAN'T be Miami, because that would blow all the fun, right? Meanwhile, ESPN is airing a viewers poll showing that its Miami with 99% precincts reporting.

9:01 p.m. -- "The Decision" rolls in with a throaty narrator introducing the show: "With breathless anticipation, the basketball world is waiting," the Morgan Freeman wannabe says. "The time has come. The most coveted free agent in the history of the game... LeBron James." It can't get any worse, can it?

9:05 p.m. -- A roundtable discussion of four talking heads puke up their opinions with no real clue about what's going to happen. Put me in a suit and I could offer a similarly mindless analysis of this colossal event. Roll B-footage about LeBron's career, as if we don't know who he is. I think it's time to grab a beer.

9:11 p.m. -- ESPN is milking this golden calf for all its worth as the commercials start rolling in. I would like to know who thought an hour-long special was a good idea. They could've pulled it off in five minutes and let the four-letter network roll around in the slop for the next four months.

9:17 p.m. -- Stu "Cyclopes" Scott is asking the panel AGAIN what they think "real quickly." How many times are they going to try to answer this question. Just ask the man himself, already! Just for good measure, they show the viewer poll again before sending us off to another commercial.

9:22 p.m. -- There he is! The time has finally arrived! Or not... Jim Gray is seated across from LeBron and asks him "what's new?" ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!?!

9:27 p.m. -- Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Let's get this charade over with. Although, Gray nearly let's him off the hook by asking him if he would like "to sleep on it."

9:28 p.m. -- LeBron James: "This fall, it's very tough, but this fall I'm going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat." Hahaha, there are GROANS in the audience. As much as I hate Cleveland, this is the biggest middle finger I have ever seen given to a city (besides Bob Nutting owning the Pittsburgh Pirates).

9:30 p.m. -- "I never wanted to leave Cleveland," LeBron says moments after announcing that he's leaving Cleveland.

9:32 p.m. -- "You have to do what makes you happy," LeBron says, quoting his mother. Yet, he looks like he's about to cry. This is comically bizarre.

9:33 p.m. -- Now that he announced his decision, it's time to do more productive things like look for a job. Good luck, LeBron, in Miami. And I'd like to offer my condolences to Cleveland. At least you still have the Browns!


  1. I'd rather scratch my naughty bits with a hacksaw than watch that a-hole conduct his own coronation. As I said over on my blog, if he's really leaving Cleveland for Miami, as was being speculated today, he couldn't do a worse job of slapping that city's fans in the face and giving them a huge F.U. than by taunting them with a prime-time self-fellatio program on ESPN.

  2. It likes a car accident. I can't look away.

  3. After thinking about this made-for-TV special, it's obvious that ESPN is a shell of itself.

    I remember waking up each morning in grade school and turning on Channel 15 to watch Sportscenter. Back then, they actually showed highlights and statistics. Now, all they show are talking heads spewing their short-sighted opinions.

    This is not the ESPN I remember, and the LeBron James special proved it. They are a marketing machine and no longer a journalism outlet.

  4. i am looking forward to the brett favre 2-hour special on whether he is coming back or not...

  5. You better pitch that idea to ESPN immediately, otherwise, you might lose millions of dollars in revenue. Get on the ball, Paul!

  6. Couldn't agree with you more, Mike, about ESPN. SportsCenter was unwatchable during the NBA playoffs, especially the finals. I don't turn to SportsCenter with the expectation of seeing that runt asshole Stuart Scott and his merry band of idiots analyze an NBA game for the first 30 minutes of a 60-minute show. Then it was waaaaaaaay too much time spent fawning over and wondering what LeBron would do. Yawn.