Finding my dream job

For a baseball team that has tried and failed at everything during 18 consecutive losing seasons, it's baffling why the Pittsburgh Pirates haven't yet contacted me for the opening at manager. So, I've taken it upon myself to send a cover letter and resume to the Pittsburgh Baseball Club this afternoon to be considered for the field managing position.

Hey, I couldn't be any worse than what they've had since 1993.

In my application, I will tell team owner Bob Nutting that my plethora of baseball knowledge from Little League would be a solid foundation to help me handle the transition to the majors. Plus, I have some supervisory experience on my resume having served as a crew leader during this years census count.

I'll promise to work cheaper than any other managerial candidates the Pirates are currently interviewing, and you know that is important to Nutting. Recently-dispatcher John Russell made $500,000 a year in his three seasons, and he will also be paid that salary again to NOT coach the team next year. Before that, Jim Tracy spent a couple years making a couple million, and Lloyd McClendon prowled the dugout for five years with nothing more than a stolen base to show for his salary. I feel that I could easily manage this underachieving ball club to a losing record for, let's just throw out a number, $50,000.

So, what say you, Mr. Nutting? Wouldn't you like to at least get your money's worth for 105 losses? You know my number, and I look forward to speaking with you about my qualifications (or lack thereof) in the near future.